💅🏾Get Free: Is Being Selfish Really So Bad?

Dear GFFs

Why is it every first of the month I still think about Bone Thugs-n-Harmony? I know that 90s jam still gets played 12 times a year and those boys from Cleveland are collecting a royalty check from somewhere. Job security. Not mad at it, at all. But I digress (and you’re welcome, now that you have the earworm in your head too, lol!) 

First of the month aside, how are you doing? Thanks for reaching out about the first Get Free Conversation with Esther Armah - check it out if you haven’t already and nominate folks you’d like to hear share their Get Free stories (including yourself!) Also I’ll have a round up of advice later this month for our GFF Natalie who is trying to figure out how to go meeting free at her job. Hit “reply” and send your suggestions!

What’s going on this week?

Let me set the scene: I’m writing this week’s issue sitting on a balcony looking into the inky darkness of tranquil ocean water, boats edged with LED strip lights slowly gliding through what looks like mid air and a warm breeze cooling off my humidity-kissed skin. The view is spectacular! The soundtrack? Not so much. Instead, it’s a cacophony of 90s deep house, a live salsa band, some terrible disco music and sporadic cheers from the hotel bar. Talk about killing the vibe, y’all. 

But even with this multi-sonic writing backdrop, I’m grateful to be sitting down and doing, well, not very much. For a whole week, I have sat, laughed, hung out with dear friends and family, eaten, swam in warm waters, spent time reading a trashy biography (about Kris Jenner of all people!) and generally not thought about much of anything (or at least I’m trying not to.) The slower pace has made me think about being busy - and how I need to get free from it. Basically, how can I make like Auntie Maxine and reclaim my time?

Here’s a longstanding issue I have: I love to help people. I love being a sounding board (helping folks find clarity on things is something I’m good at.) I am a champion volunteer and generally if I can step in - at home, at work, in my personal life - I’ll do it. On the face of it, absolutely nothing wrong with that, right? Yea … nah.

Let me give you an example: the week leading up to this break, every single one of my hours was accounted for. Meetings, side projects, house admin, getting my head around a new job, still supporting aspects of my former role. I didn’t sleep the night before I got on the plane because I was doing the absolute most. 

Three things are going on here:

1. I often underestimate how long a task will take 

2. I always insist on doing things to a high standard

3. I find saying no SO hard

To be clear, helping people isn’t a bad thing! But when it makes you so tired you can’t think straight? That makes no sense. I’m beginning to think I need to be a little more … selfish? That word comes with negative connotations and I’m pulling an entire face even saying the word out loud, but a dear friend rephrased it perfectly: when you’re being selfish, you’re being self-FULL. Hmmm, talk about a reframe!

The “s” word came up in an interview with Chief Marketing Officer, RHOBH Queen and entrepreneur, Bozoma Saint John this week. In an episode of Aspire with Emma Grede (this week’s podcast recommendation!) she talks about the need to be selfish in jobs. The gist: Boz agrees with people who say she thinks more about herself than the brands she works for. She also says she loves herself and puts herself first. 

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We have to take some of that Boz energy and apply it to ALL parts of life. But I do question why society has an issue with people who put themselves first - when really it should be standard. Not that we should ignore the needs of others and cause harm - never that! But if we don’t put our own oxygen masks on first, how can we be of any use to anyone?

Sitting down and doing nothing for us busy bodies is hard, but this week, I won a gold star! Seriously though, the trick isn’t just about downing tools and doing nothing while you’re on vacation, but how you step away from the busy in your regular day-to-day. How do you say no to the extra work assignments that you COULD do, but aren’t really anything to do with you? How do you say no to volunteering at your child’s school, or within your social groups? How do you resist mission creep with being the first to raise a hand to support? How can you reclaim your time, or get a little selfish with what you have to offer? How do you say YES to you?

A simple start is saying no. No to what doesn’t excite you. No to what isn’t within your job description. Just … no. 

Let’s start there and see what happens. As always, I’d love to hear how you approach saying no, or if you struggle, what would help you better center yourself? Hit reply to send your thoughts. We can do this!

🚀Get Your Life: Things to read, listen to, enjoy🚀

📚What I’m reading: Kris Jenner … And All Things Kardashian I kid you not, I found this in the hotel “library” and it’s a pretty gripping read. Support local bookstores if you decide to purchase the paper copy. My favorite is Octavia’s Bookshelf in Pasadena, CA

🎧What’s on the pod:Aspire with Emma Grede. Generally a great listen, but loved this episode with Bozoma Saint John.

🎵 Soundtrack for the week: Suavemente by Elvis Crespo thanks to the salsa-playing DJ in the hotel next door. I dare you not to dance to this!

✨ If you’ve got a recommendation drop me a line. ✨

THANKS FOR READING!

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See you next Friday!