😩Get Free: Let’s Retire Resilience

Hey Get Free Fam, 

Happy #freedomfriday y’all. WE MADE IT! Now, if you work weekends Fridays are your Wednesdays, but you are MAKING IT and Monday will be *chef’s kiss.* And if you’re in the layoff trenches and hustling, we see you and we’re rooting for you. If you need an ear or someone to talk through next steps, reach out. We don’t gatekeep here, and my virtual door is always open. With all of that said, in honor of making it this far through the week, wherever you are, whatever you’re doing, do a little body roll, a little shimmy, a little two step, a little shake-it-off. Three, two, one, GO!

Why all the shimmy-shaking? Because we CAN. Folks are going through it, some people didn’t make it to today and on a lighter note, we’re all spending a little too much time on our derrieres trying to crank through deadlines, projects and meetings. So get up and move. Call somebody. Drink your water. Tomorrow isn’t promised, but we can make the most of what we have today. OK? OK…

If you’re new to The Get Free Guide, welcome, it’s great to have you here! You can learn more about how the GFG came to be and catch up on past issues. This is a community where we don’t gatekeep, so if you have questions about getting free (whatever that means to you), or you have wisdom and advice to offer on something you’ve found freedom in, you can share in this form  or email [email protected] (or just hit reply to this post!) I read EVERYTHING, so don’t be shy!

SO, HOW ARE WE GETTING FREE TODAY?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the difficulties of letting go and not holding things that don’t belong to us: responsibilities, expectations, people’s opinions … and being “the strong one.” Some days your tank is so empty even the vapors are gone, but you show up anyway. And that’s when this word appears: RESILIENCE. 

It’s a word that - IMHO - is overused and, frankly, not helpful. My brain literally screams when I hear it because often it’s linked to “yes, this is pretty unreasonable. Yes, this is awful. But yes, we know you’re going to get it done anyway.” Like, WHAT?!

The homies over at Merriam-Webster describe resilience as:

• the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress

• an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

Here’s the thing: this “strained body” - that’s all of us collectively as people - has been stretched, stressed and compressed since the pandemic. We hopped, skipped and jumped over the hard parts: the loss, the disruption, the loneliness, the changes in how we live and work, literally everything. Then we got vaccinated, threw our masks in the air like a graduation cap and we carried on as if nothing happened. That’s the definition of resilience - we exercised the "ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”

WHAT ARE WE DOING?

But here’s where I’ve got a little beef. There is nothing easy about adjusting to change that you have no control over. Yet the expectation is that - even with hard things - we shed a few tears, we sound off in the group chat, then we take a breath and keep it pushing. Nothing to see here! What are we doing?

There are other examples: news reports after the LA wildfires in January talked of the resilience of the impacted communities. Seeing some of the fallout up close, people who lost their homes, their businesses, their places of worship, their anchors in life are not resilient. They’re deeply traumatized but have to get up everyday and deal with insurance companies and housing and rebuilding from scratch because they have no choice.

At the top of this issue I mentioned layoffs. Right now no industry is spared and almost daily people are going into work in the morning, and hours later, it’s all over. For those who remain there’s a level of survivor’s guilt and worrying about being next. We’re not resilient. We’re having to navigate the weight of decisions and situations we’d rather not be in. 

In early 2024 I had to lay off members of my team - at the time it was the low point of my career. Then in June of this year I had to do it again. It was no easier the second time around. I lost nothing compared to those who left the company, but I kept being described as “resilient” for adapting to change. It didn’t (and still doesn’t) sit well with me but I couldn’t figure out why, even though I know the words were well intentioned. Then I read this post from Black Art Matters and it offered some answers.

They praised our strength but never asked if it was hurting us.

If no one told you lately:

You are allowed to choose softness.

You are allowed to fall apart and rebuild slowly.

You are allowed to stop being everything for everyone.

If you have time, please follow the post and read the rest (their work is incredible.)

Softness often doesn’t feel like an option, especially in the workplace. Many of us have also been trained to think that saying “hey, this is too much” is a sign of weakness or failure. But here’s the thing: what we’ve all been through and are living through today isn’t about resilience. What we’re talking about is survival. 

SO HOW DO WE GET FREE FROM RESILIENCE?

Thinking of an activity for this one is hard, so I’d welcome some GFF ideas. Resisting or retiring resilience is more than saying no and setting boundaries. It feels, to me, to be a changing of the atmosphere around what we expect of ourselves and others. It’s about being mindful of language. When we bestow someone with the label of resilience is this what we really mean? Is this even fair? Or are we really trying to say “I see your strength, I see your grace and I know it’s a lot. How can I support you?”

Share your thoughts and comments and let’s figure it out together.

P.S. - I haven’t forgotten about GFF Natalie’s advice for cutting meetings and freeing up her calendar. Keep your suggestions coming - we’ll get to that next week!

🚀Get Your Life: Things to read, listen to, enjoy🚀

📚What I’m reading: OK, this is stretching the definition of reading, but captions count, right? This IG post from dirrtykingofpop made me LOL and also water my plants. You’re welcome. 

dirrtykingofpop

77K followers

View more on Instagram

📺What I’m watching: Hmmm, feel free to judge me for this but the latest (and I guess last) season of And Just Like That is a regular on a Wednesday night. I think it’s in the same bucket as all of the trash dating shows I watch, but with better fashion.

🎵 Soundtrack for the week: Happy by Pharrell Williams. This was the summer jam for all the little people in my life when it came out. Also there’s something about the harmonies that hit just so. Can’t help but shimmy-shake to this!

✨ If you’ve got a recommendation drop me a line. ✨

THANKS FOR READING!

If you got something out of this issue of The Get Free Guide, give us a follow or a shout out on Instagram and share the love with a friend. We don’t gatekeep around here!

See you next Friday!